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Everyone has to believe something ...
By R. Michael Johnson
The comedians of the Blue
Collar Comedy Tour - Jeff
Foxworthy, Ron White, Bill
Engvall and Larry the Cable
Guy - used to end their shows
with a segment they liked to
call "I believe."
routine, each would come up
with some witty pun about
what they believe and the
audience would laugh hysterically.
Well, not to throw stones, but I wrote the "What
I Believe" column nearly 20 years ago and have
updated it several times as the times changed.
Only problem is -
they make more on one show than I do in a year.
Anyway, as a way of introducing myself to those
of you who are new; or as a way of re-introducing
myself to old friends, here we go again.
What I believe:
•I believe that a community's newspaper should
share the good and the bad, the glad and the sad.
• I believe this should be done in a fair and accurate manner - without outside influence.
• I believe a hometown newspaper should actually
care about its community.
• I believe Elvis is really, really, really dead. And,
some days I don't feel so good, myself.
• I believe that George W. Bush is actually a
pretty smart guy (he got through an Ivy League law school). He just didn't present himself well and took some bad advice from the wrong people.
Remember the genius kid in high school who was
the world's biggest geek? Well, he's making millions
of dollars now.
• I believe satellite television is overrated - especially since I have received no less than nine calls
trying to get me to buy a dish in the last six days,
• I believe Henny Youngman was and still is hysterically
• I believe your grandmother was right. Don't
care what about. Trust me, she was right.
• I believe no one can cook as well as your mother.
It doesn't matter if you marry a professional chef
- she can't make cornbread, pot roast or pancakes as well as your mom.
(Just don't tell your wife that little fact. I did once - didn't end well.)
• I believe most marriages would not end in
divorce if it weren't so easy to break your vows - and
if there were a two-drink limit on anyone entering a
bar wearing a wedding band.
• I believe it is absolutely inappropriate to wear blue jeans
to church, school or any social function where they
are using linen napkins and real silverware. Don't even get me started on
shorts and backward-facing baseball caps and face piercings.
• I believe Richard Nixon was a great president
and could have been one of the best of the modern
era - had he not self-destructed.
• I believe the salary levels of professional athletes
and emergency services workers should be reversed.
• I believe the three smells
that prove there is a God are:
1. oven-fresh cornbread;
2. a newly-bathed baby; and
3. a light spring rain on pavement.
• I believe there could very
well be life on other planets.
It's just that I find it hard to
comprehend why they are continually
visiting places like Pine Knot, Ky. (Total
population, nine; total teeth 24. I am not joking.).
• I still believe John Wayne, George S. Patton
and Ronald Reagan helped make America great in
the 20th Century.
• I believe there is no problem in the world that
talking to a dog can't remedy.
• I believe cats are vastly overrated, self-centered and arrogant..
• I believe the best value for your entertainment
and advertising dollar is still a newspaper.
• I believe the ozone is not really going away. It's
a conspiracy by the spray-tan people.
• I believe all things digital are the first sign of
the apocalypse. The second sign is when the last surviving cast member of the television classic Bonanza finally passes away.
• I believe the end of the American society won't
come at the hands of a terrorist. It will come as a
hostile takeover by a foreign investment firm.
• I believe that if one has the time, the only way
to travel is by train.
• Speaking of traveling, I believe it's ludicrous that you are not allowed to take nail clippers
on an airplane, but when they served me breakfast on a recent flight,
the first thing they handed me was a real, metal, sharp six-inch knife. (I got bumped to first class, so I got real silverware.)
• I believe that America's moral decline began
when men quit wearing dress hats and women
stopped wearing hats and gloves to church.
• I believe journalism awards are completely
overrated and an exercise in self-indulgence and
arrogance. I would much rather have the communities
I serve respect what I do than to have a bunch of
my fellow journalists tell me "atta-boy."
• I believe Joshua Laurence Chamberlain was one of three of the
true heroes of the Civil War. Look it up if you don't
• I believe jail should be an unpleasant experience.
At least no cable television.
• I believe my mother should be sainted - I know
what I was like growing up.
Stuff that doesn't
go on a Resume
What I think
Everyone has to
Why are no awards
listed on my resume?
What others are saying